new blog.

i am going to delete this blog very soon and i have already made a new URL. if you would like the new link, please facebook message me or text me  (im really not good with google blogging or anything related to it besides the search engine, haha) ill explain why i changed URLs in my message!

post-everything thoughts.

post summer work at lsc: thank God i won't be back there till the fall!
post commissioning week: i really needed that mini vacation. annapolis is such a beautiful place, and im so grateful that i got to spend commissioning week there with my boy and his family and friends. sunday we went down late at night, and moved his stuff into his new apartment! which is absolutely gorgeous! such a nice area. monday morning we woke up for the last color parade at USNA in the hot hot hot sun. we were supposed to go to luke pye's graduation party afterwards but couldn't make it (sorry luke & keri! ) but afterwards we caught up with them at the supe's reception. the supe is such a boss, his house is so HUGE. and his yard is literally a hollywood style garden! then, carlos's last glee club concert was that same night. theyre such a great group of guys and so talented! i can't believe it's over, he had such a great four years with them. the memorable photo frame they all got will be beautiful hanging up on his wall at home. definitely a good memory of a crazy four years at usna. tuesday, wednesday and thursday was spent being bums, eating good food and partying it up with a lot of his friends who were also graduating! we had a great time doing that, and the occassional other navy events. but one thing i was not so happy about is that the blue angels shows were cancelled! ): oh well, i guess ill see them on my trips to pensacola! friday was the big day! we were all up super early to head to the stadium. the ceremony was long but exciting. i am so proud of my naval flight officer, my ensign, my college graduate! what an amazing accomplishment, at the young age of 21. i feel honored to be there for him. and i loved the fact that one ofhis childhood best friends, who just commissioned out of west point a week prior, commissioned him! so now we have a 2lt and an ensign (: my only complaint about it is that i was excluded from the 'commissioning' itself. his grandmothers, parents, and sisters got to do everything for his pinnings (cover, sword, shoulderboards). i understand they are family, but i was certainly an important part of his getting through the naval academy,and i wish i could have been acknowledged that way. i know its not his fault, but  come on now, just because im not his wife or fiance , doesnt mean that im any less important. *i*was the one who got him through a LOT of his time there... he can't go crawling to his mommy and daddy or grandparents all the time. i was there whenever he needed me. and he does acknowledge that. i just wish it coulda been solidified in that way.... sigh. its ok, because hopefully i will be the one pinning his wings on him soon enough<3. we spent the day with food and friends and family, good times. saturday was the beautiful wedding of sammie and patrick tagan! they looked wonderful, and the wedding was beautiful and lovely. congratulations to the two of them, and best wishes! we sped right up to nj afterwards for carlos' commissioning party! what an even tthat was. lots of fun and dancing and food were had by all (:

the week after was for me, very important. moving into my new house and prepping for the gre and summer classes and my new job at red lobster. carlos went to vegas with his two best friends. i was sort of sad i didnt get to spend that time with him, but im very glad he got his 'hangover' hurrah with his friends! they deserve it. in between that, i spent time at the beach with friends and with his family. monday was the day of judgement- the gre. i loved that my boy was there with me every step of the way.heliterally waited in the waiting room for me to do my test and finish it! he never left my side. i didnt realize how much it kept me calm until now. i love him more than anything,he supports me so much and is definitely encouraging me with my career. thankfully i got a score that i needed and wanted, so im happy.

im kind of scared how my relationship with my boy will change later on, but im hoping by senior year, when hes in florida and im in school, things will be easier. this smmer, he will be home on weekends, thank Goodness. its probably the most ill get to ever se him in the summers,haha. i can't wait for us to begin our lives and careers together one day. but until he pops the question, i gotta do me!

so hectic.

i cant believe its been so long since ive written in this
well, everything with school went well, thank Goodness. except for one class, which ill probably retake. the class i worked hardest for. well, i guess in the end, it makes me realize that that subject is not what i love, and should not be studying, hah!

so school ended a while ago, and i've been working and studying aaallllll day long in order to make rent and do well on my GREs! its been so crazy! ive been living on my own and its been unreal. its nice to be home for a while, before things start back up again .

so the past post was just so depressing for me to think about. while im still not so excited, its not a depression anymore, its just fear and anxiety. what happens afterwards? im so afraid hes going to find someone new he wants in florida, or realizes that this type of long distance isnt what he wants. i know he loves me and we have something amazing together. but i cant help but feel this way. hes told me plenty of times, 'i wish i met you a year from now'. and i dont know what to think about that. i dont know if i can handle only seeing him once a month. i dont know how some other girls do or did it. i was spoiled, being 3 hours away from usna. 2/c and 1/cyear were AMAZING. and i really just did not wnt them to end lol. as for now, i guess ill have to take it one step at a time.

i am not excited for commissioning

at all. i get depressed just thinking about it. i feel like the end is looming. and theres nothing i can do about it. i almost feel like he isn't getting leave. even though he is. im so pessimistic about this whole thing. i have tried so desperately to hold onto this and keep it strong for years to come, and keep thinking that it will come eventually. but the fact remains, i dont have that promise. i don't. i have words, ihave feelings. but i dont have that promise. i dont want to get married now. i'm only 20 years old. while some can do it, and i praise them for it, i simply cannot. im one of the youngest out of my circle of people, and it would just be a huge jump for me. i have to take care of myself first before i can take care of my husband. i wouldnt want to be married until i know a deployment is possible - which is after flight school, we still have time. ill be in grad school then and can focus on that as well.  but to be quite honest, i just feel like the time i spend with carlos will just be a tease and will make me even more depressed. its getting harder and harder to say goodbye. and it does not help that almost everyone else is getting married and won't really have to say goodbye anymore (except for obviously deployments and stuff). i can't go on facebook anymore without getting choked up and wondering where my life is going. i see everyones got everything all planned out, and theyve got their promise. they have that stabilitiy that it was all worth it and everything is going to be okay, somehow. i dont have that promise. i dont know whether its all going to be okay.and i probably won't know. im just getting so negative. and i dont like it bc im not this way at all. this isn't who i am, but its consuming me as time gets faster and faster. i can't eat, i dont feel hungry. i dont really feel...anything anymore.

i SHOULD be focusing on MY finals and MY last year of college.

end of april happenings.

housing has been straightened out, thank God. we found this girl who is very similar to what we wanted (social, but not a girl who will turn our house into a party haven, lots of fun but studies when she has to, etc etc) and she's really nice!  we met her mom and sister and everything haa. we're going to sign the lease today and i couldnt be more relieved. now i just need a sublet. lol.

i'm really nervous because i haven't heard back from CTY yet. i would love the chance to work in baltimore this summer, and finally get to see my boy more than for the time i have to give him up ! i think we deserve that. i mean, we're not getting married right after commissioning, so the least i can do is see him, right? haha.

i can't believe the semester will be over in less than 2 weeks! omg! i'm going to be a senior in college! ahh! its funny bc everyone is already graduating this year so it kind of made me ignore my progression in college. but oh my GOD im going into my last year of college! this is so unreal!

so for a while now, i have been really concerned about my body. i dont like how i look, at all. im a lot bigger than i used to be. granted, i was working out 6 days a week for hours at a time, in taekwondo, whether teaching or training or competing. but im used to always being small, and during my late teens, i stopped being that way. ive got a pretty big butt, and wide hips &thighs. which i dont mind, lol. but i do not like my arms anymore and my tummy/sides. i hate it so much. so instead of bitching about it, i've started to do something. i go to the gym every single day! i work out, and i walk a lot more to places rather than take the shuttle buses. i use myfitness pall like its my JOB and count my calories to match 1200 a day. i thought i was doing really well, bc last time i weighed myself (which isnt often) is 145 lbs. this weekend,  iweighed myself and i was 160. i was shocked. appalled. miserable. ready to cry. i was trying on dresses for the croquet match and i was miserable b/c i look so not how i want to. it's really difficult to eat healthy on a college campus b/c of all the JUNK and FATTY foods and foods with a TON of calories in it. i really try to though! and it sucks b/c eating healthier is super expensive! im so broke bc of it! but my sweet and wonderful boyfriend sent me a song, in spanish and told me to listen to it carefully. the song is by prince royce , and called corazon sin cara. i looked up the lyrics (in both english and spanish to try and see how closely they matched lol) and i read them. i was at one of the computer lab on campus, and it took all i had to not start crying right then and there. im posting the spanish lyrics and english ones here :

Corazon Sin Cara

Y ya me contaron
Que te acomplejas de tu imagen
Y mira el espejo
Que linda eres sin maquillaje

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar
Prende una vela, rézale a Dios
Y dale gracias que tenemos ese lindo corazón 

Prende una vela, pide perdón
Y por creer que tu eres fea te dedico esta canción

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Ladies, you already know, Royce - Too strong!

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Nadie es perfecto en el amor
Ay seas blanquita, morenita, no me importa el color

Mirame a mi, mirame bien
Aunque tenga cara de bonito me acomplejo yo tambien

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Sentimiento c'mon

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar
Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Sincerely, Royce

English Translation of Corazon sin Cara
Royce

And they tell me
You're self conscious of your image
And look at the mirror
How pretty you are without makeup

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change
Light a candle, pray to God
And give thanks that we have this complete heart
Light a candle, ask for forgiveness
And for believing that you are ugly I dedicate this song to you

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Ladies, you already know, Royce.... Too strong!

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Nobody is perfect in love
Oh you light-skinned girl, brown-skinned girl, the color doesn't matter to me

Look at me, look at me good
Although I have a handsome face I am also complex

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Feeling c'mon

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end
And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Sincerely, Royce

. so yeah, i read that and broke down. im so lucky to have a best friend in my life who cares about me so much, so unselfishly. he could easily be upset at how what i look like, or be embarrassed to be seen with me. but he's not (as far as i know, anyways haha). he loves me for who i am, and i know he's proud of me for making this change. but because *i* want to, not for anybody else. it makes me so happy to have such an wonderful source of encouragement... i just feel so blessed to have him in my life!

housing stress.

WHY are people so flaky? I am convinced that I need a new set of people to surround myself with, because I think what I expect out of people is too much for the ones I talk to now (in no way am I referencing the navy girls, im talking about most of my friends here at Rutgers)  I'm seriously sick and tired of people who can't keep up with their responsibilities and expect others to do everything for them. if you say you are going to do something STICK TO YOUR WORD AND EFFING DO IT. we are grown ass people, take care of yourself. and NOBODY can tell me that they are 'too busy' for their responsibilities. i am taking SIX classes, working on stuff for my GRE, applying for sumer internships, taking summer classes, grad school applications, trying to figure out my life for AFTER graduation, dealing with family hell problems, bills and expenses, including tuition, this housing BULLSHIT and everything that comes with a commissioning. i am NOT complaining about all my life stresses, because they are nothing to complain about. this is a part of life. these things happen. but what i am upset about is that apparently, other 20someodd year olds cannot handle it. GROW UP, PLEASE. GROW UP. 

so what happened with housing is that our friend who is going to take the single has been flaky this whole time but promised to take the single, and now she is contemplating leaving for a semester or year and backing out or something. we are signing our lease NEXT WEEK, and we owe 2100 bucks with that deposit. she owes 750 of that. i CANNOT afford to give an extra 750 bucks that i dont have for her. its UNREAL. plus we owe rent soon after that. NONE of this would have happened if rutgers had a better housing system, but now we have to take what we can get. it makes me really upset because my roommate and I are responsible people, why isn't she being one? couldnt she tell us a month or two ago she wasnt doing this? to leave us at the LAST MINUTE like this? totally not fair or nice. who does that to a friend? now i am struggling, amongst all my papers and finals and responsbiilities, to find someone to fill this void that we trust, so that we have the extra money for next week and we have some place to live next year. SO STRESSFUL. 

welcome to real life, ladies and gentlemen. ready or not, here it comes.

home stretch.

i had one of the best weekends i've had in a long time. i did not want it to end. at all. i'm thinking about how to phrase this and talk about it, and i realized that the events themselves weren't so great (well, the pitbull concert was pretty awesome, and IBall is out-of-the-ordinary for most people). but every bit of time i spend with my boyfriend just makes me so incredibly happy. even something as simple as going to lunch or a movie, or something not so simple like attending the USNA International Ball 2011. i just love being around him, because nobody makes me smile like he does.

but of course, it never gets easier. leaving,i mean. 'see you laters' are never fun, and bring me to tears just thinking about it. something to get me through, though, is the fact that they are 'see you laters'. NOT goodbyes. NEVER goodbyes.

here's to this week going by fast, but not so fast that i can't get my work done (;

COUNTDOWN TILL THE SEMESTER ENDS:
one more response paper (thank God, i hate them)
one project for finance
one more lab report
one more portfolio
one more finance exam
one more MVT assignment
one more adolescent exam
one more physio exam
one more ed psych exam

leggooooooo

this one goes out to the silent ranks.

i almost forgot i had a blog. that can't be good.

i want to apologize for not updating this like i should (like you all care, haha) and for not religiously following blogs ilke i should be haha. once i start procrastinating again, i will certainly follow and comment (:

well, things are looking good here on my end. i should be , of course, writing a paper, but im at starbucks obviously not. haha.

i tried catching up on some blogs i've been reading lately, and i dont know who is reading this BUT i want to give a huge shout out to my navy girlfriend family. yes, i consider ladies i have not met (some i have, but most i have not) family. you know why? because, sometimes, these are the only people who know what i'm going through. why i do the crazy shit i do. why i will take two trains, a bus, a metro and another bus to get to annapolis to visit my midshipman when i have no car on campus. why my heart swells with pride and why i get goosebumps everytime i hear the national anthem. why, at 20 years old, i'm dying to be engaged and am getting sadder by the day as commissioning gets closer. why i cry every night before i go to bed, because commissioning day is looming over us. they understand. they accept. they don't judge. they know the emotional wreck that we can all be. we all may have started talking (or met) for one reason, but we are friends for many more. i draw inspiration from the navy wives and fiances and girlfriends and how we remain so strong even in the toughest of times. i admire the women who have stayed for years, no matter what happened. i admire the ones who have gone through plebe summer, plebe year, live across the country, gone through 6 week trainings underway or on a boat with no communication. i admire the ones going to grad school while their men are at school or deploying. these women have been there for me and everyone else like we've been friends forever. they are selfless and amazing, and  i only hope that i can stay as strong as all of you. thank you all for being there for me. no matter what. even if you dont know how you have been. knowing that i am a part of this family makes me feel so much better.

 i've gone through a lot of struggles with my friends here at home, and i realize that i am almost nothing like them. the minute i became a navy girlfriend, my life drastically changed paths from all of theirs. and they dont know what its like, or understand, and probably dont even care all that much. they dont know ANYTHING about the military.. they only see that my boy comes home every weekend, as a firstie. they only see that i go down for military balls and football games. they think its a regular college. they have no idea the fear that i am feeling for the minute his shoulderboards and cover changes and he becomes, Ensign Carlos A. Plazas, USN. and he has to leave. and hardly ever come back. and knowing that i am not going with him. my biggest fear is that i will not be his next of kin when he deploys. that i will not know when he is coming home, if any plans change, or if God forbid, something unexpected and bad happens. two weeks ago's episode of army wives was my worst fear on television and i cried for hours after that episode.

i cant even continue writing because im at a starbucks in a barnes and nobles, and im going to start bawling hysterically if i do continue.

but thank you, to my navy family. i love you all
 

meh.

i can't believe april is already here! it's already been somewhat eventful

- april fools day, i shattered my phone screen. but it still works, thankfully. carlos now calls it the droid s (hattered) instead of the droid 2. 

- hell weeks are in progress, and i've only got a 2 small papers, a not-so-huge portfolio left, another paper, 4 finals and a midterm left for the school year!

- i gotta start my GRE shit.... oh man.

trying to find housing has been UNREAL. i can't believe rutgers is so cold when it comes to housing its upperclass. im gonna be a senior, why do they automatically just assume we all move off campus ? basically my lottery number for the housing problem is awful, and so is my roommates. shes gonna be a super senior next year, and staying to finish her 2nd major. naturally, neither of us want to go from living in suites and an apartment to a double in a freshman dorm. NO THANKS! so trying to find a somewht decent place on campus that's not overly priced, run down, or ugly or in shady area is turning out to be pretty difficult. or maybe i just dont know any reliable people that can make this process easier. plus paying for this outta pocket will be hard. 

oh welll. im still really loooking forward to whats happening in the near future. cross my fingers it all works out. and that my mom gets over her bitchiness about it all.... seriously.

i hate the naval academy.

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate it HATE IT.

why can't (or rather) DON'T they show any consideration towards the people that keep them running and successful?! i feel like the people they hurt the most are the people that allow them to do what they do. US. the family, the friends, the significant others. i really hate it. they don't realize how much planning goes into every single thought we make that includes our loved one who goes there... and then finally, when it seems that everything goes right and is all set, BAM. they hit you with some BULLSHIT and ruins EVERYTHING. from little things as missed events to huge things like ruining after-commissioning plans.

hate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate ithate it hate it hate it hate it HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT

worst. episode. ever

i love the show army wives. i'd probably love it even if i wasn't a navy girlfriend. but the fact that i am makes it more real. especially tonight's episode. the one that realized my worst fear in the entire world.

i hate the feeling of helplessness, and that's exactly how tanya felt in the episode. (doesnt help her name is so close to mine haha). the feeling that nobody cares, that you're unimportant, and that youre feelings don't matter.

 ' i'm sorry maam, but these matters can only be discussed with the next of kin.'' know what that means? its just a big FUCK YOU. well you know what i say to that? FUCK YOU too. i don't give a shit about what you have to say and your fake ass condolences.

i kno what im getting myself into, but each and every day, i get more and more scared.

five things.

got this off hannah's page (: 

Me in a Nutshell

Five things you will find if you open my bag:

1. Juicy Wallet

2. car keys / apartment key/store key/RU id

3. hand sanitizer

4. makeup bag

5. a ton of useless things, lol

Five things in my bedroom:

1. a ton of clothes and shoes

2. the paddle my lovely little made me

3. lots of navy things!

4. my drake poster

5. old trophies (:

Five things I’ve always wanted to do in my life:

1. go on a cruise (preferably the mediterranean)

2. marry the most wonderful man 

3. Be successful

4. earn the title of doctor

5. help the world, and my family.

Five things that make me happy:

1. my boy

2. my sister

3. shopping

4. feeling that everything is fallen into place. 

5. my cat

Five things I’m currently into:

1. my super hott boyyy (;

2. floral prints 

3. dresses

4. naked juices

5. coffee

Five things on my to-do list:

1. all the work i need to get done for school

2. find a place to live next year

3. plan a mini vacay this summer!

4. find a summer job

5. buy a straightener!

Five things people may or may not know about me:

1. i'm muslim, half egyptian & half caribbean

2. i'm a very outspoken person

3. rutgers' 12

4. 2nd degree black belt, instructor & 2 time weapons state champion in taekwondo 

5. it doesnt take much to make me happy.

ramble on.

i love that i'm classy. i love that i know i'm classy. i love who i am. i love that i can make my own decisions. i love that i have the world on my shoulders and i know that eventually i will be able to handle it and accomplish it. i love being in love.

i don't  like people who show off. i don't like people who are gold diggers. i don't like people who climb to the 'top' and forget who got them there. i don't like people who judge others to be inferior because its not what they chose for themselves. i don't like people who judge me for what they don't see. i don't like people who can't handle me.

be humble. God said to appreciate every moment and be gracious. i love God and what He has told us to do. i love being Muslim, too. because its NOT the terrorists religion.

i wish i could afford to do nice things for people.

i wish i looked like the way i did when i was 16

i don't like saying ' i wish' .

i can't wait to start the rest of my life.

oh heyyyyy

my name is rania, and i'm important too. the world doesnt revolve around you, honey.

will you marry me?

i am absolutely dying to hear those words come out of my boy's mouth. and not in a joking way.
am i ready to get married right now? absolutely not. i'm 20 years old. what i do want, however, is a pretty ring on my left ring finger, and to know that i will spend the rest of my life with carlos alberto plazas, jr. i'm not going to lie and say tht the ring doesnt matter, because it does. i want everyone to know that i am [once we are] engaged. i want them to say, wow. you are one lucky girl. this may sound really selfish, but here's my reasoning.

at school, everyone hears about carlos. my room is decorated with navy stuff, i wear a lot of navy gear, and i bring him to any APO event that is when he's around. my frat knows him, my friends know him. and they know how proud of him i am, and how he is proud of me and how in love we are and how we work so well together. they know we'd do anything for each other, and people are really asking me when we are getting married. people ask him the same question! so it kills me to know that something as stupid as age is the thing that is blocking our way. oh and money, on my end, too. i'm a broke college kid. and we have dreams of a big beautiful wedding. we even have our reception hall picked out and the time of year.!

we have started talking about our wedding and stuff. i know he wants to marry me. well, he's realized now that he really does not have a choice. its either break up with me after commissioning or marry me eventually, and i'm too awesome to give up (; but real talk, we have discussed this. but i have a feeling that he's scared. terrified. of the biggest commitment of his life. none of his friends at home have girlfriends, and very few at the academy have girlfriends/fiances. the fact tht his parents also have constantly told him to 'enjoy life' and 'dont make the same mistake they did and marry too early' sticks in his head. i know that when carlos tells his mom he is engaged she will not be happy. she likes me, but she will not be happy and will tell him to wait till after he leaves the navy. but that is unfair to me, because i want to know when he will be deploying or if he is okay or any information about him, thank you very much. girlfriends and fiances get NO knowledge, or solace, or stability. i wouldnt mind waiting if we were both civilian, till we were 23 or so to get engaged and married 2 years later... but he joined the navy. that changes EVERYTHING.

i want him to be my fiance. i want to know that he is committed to me, and that the plans im making to go to grad school near him is worth it. i am not moving across the country away from all my family without a ring on my finger, and a promise that we will take care of each other forever. i love him so much, and i want the world to know it. i want the world to see it.

back at home.

so monday i woke up and decided i did not want to stay alone at my apartment anymore. i decided that i was going to avoid my dad and brother but stay here at home. i'm really glad i did. and im also very grateful that my mother is getting better at this 'growing up in america' thing.

did my taxes, yesterday, like a grownup. usually my dad gets my taxes done at his accountant, but i did them myself this year! here's hoping that i don't get ripped off lol.

today i was at tcnj and had a good time (: definitely some much needed chilling time.
and tomorrow i'm going to nyc! im pretty excited, especially to see DASH!the kardashians nyc store. im obsessed with them, and i'm hoping that at least SOMETHING there is affordable, haha.

i really miss my boy. one thing that really really gets to me, is not when hes at usna, strangely enough. but when he's out on a trip or out of the country. out of the country, for obvious reasons, i can't talk to him and since we are long distance, phone calls & webchats make up a majority of our communication. my boy has been known to say he'll call and he doesnt, but he has gotten so much better at changing it and it makes me SO happy. i know i get super annoying with reminding him, or whatever, but its not like i want to stay on the phone with him all day while he's out. a few minutes in the morning and our daily nighttime phone call. i dont think its too much to ask, and he knows it means so much to me. its really hard for me to sleep without hearing his voice. so he is getting better at this and honestly its the littlest thing but really keeps me sane. anyway, he just landed in PR today, and hes gonna have a great time for the rest of break. im so jealous!  i know he misses me too, because he tells me every night, but i am still happy that he's still able to have a great time with his good friends in mgc. he deserves it.

*crosses fingers* hopefully we can take a mini vacayyy, just me and him this summer. i'm so excited! <3

chaos.

so spring break started on friday, and i gotta say it started off ridiculously

so i did fieldwork for 4 weeks at an elementary school in a 3rd grade classroom, and this last day was HECTIC. CHAOTIC. REALLY REALLY REALLY CRAZY.  the kids were yelling and out of their seats and just uncontrollable. i do miss them though, and they are goodhearted little kids. i definitely want to visit them soon :)

friday was actually really nice at home, i had a great time. saturday was just .... not okay. really not okay. i just hope this divorce goes through quickly.

long story short, im back at rutgers. my sister stayed with me this weekend, and my mom came early this morning and stayed for the day. im really really grateful for that. i miss them so much, and i wish i could go back home with them.

tomorrow i'm going to get my taxes done and get work finished as well. tuesday i'm going down to tcnj and wednesday to the city. still wanna take a mini trip somewhere for the weekend....

i need something to keep my mind off of this. i wish more than anything in the world i was in orlando and puerto rico with my boy. more than anything. i hate not being able to afford things. i hate that the navy spends so much money on the midshipmen for useless things and invests so much money into them. i know theyre doing something very noble for the country and the world and for us, but quite honestly, a lot of them don't deserve it, and because of it, their egos explode. i want more than anything to be able to afford things like it seems that everyone else can.

why did God choose me for this kind of life? why did my family have to be so fucked up? why did my family have to have all this trouble? why couldnt i grow up in a house where my parents love each other and be happy together? why can't we go on vacations and family things like we used to? now its a struggle to get groceries in our house. i have no savings, no stability whatsoever from my family. i am so afraid for my future its scary. nothing terrifies me more than the idea of what happens to me. why can everyone else go away on vacations and enjoy their life? why am i always so miserable and afraid of my life? i have no idea what to do. all i want is to be normal and happy like everyone else.

spring break 11

so i'm broke and am not traveling anywhere fun for break. im sad that i'm not going with MGC to orlando & puerto rico, but hey, i save a few thousand i dont have and the boy gets his time with his boys. lol. guess i just gotta suck it up and deal with it. i never get him back for spring break anyways =/

so i think im going to spend it doing the following :
1) grad school hunting! hoping for UWash or UCal San Diego, but i of course gotta apply everywhere near jacksonville, norfolk, seattle, hawaii, and san diego!
2) apartment hunting so im not homeless for next year. thanks rutgers.
3) applying for internships
4) GRE GRE GRE GRES!
5) applying for loans so i can afford my rent and tuition
6) doing my taxes
7) study for physio! and the upcoming exams i have ugh
8) oh yeah, and have a social life.

if anyone will be in nyc or nj , hittttt me up (;

currently im sitting in lab, DYING for it to get over and let my fun night begin!

first post.

well, i guess it's about time i hit 2011 (or maybe like, 2005 or something for that matter) and start blogging.

so for starters... it's almost spring break! and i'm doing absolutely nothing exciting.... oh joy. lol. the boy is travelling with mens glee club to orlando and puerto rico, and i'm so jealous! i know he'll have an awesome time. as for me, well, i'm too broke to travel anywhere cool, quite frankly. i'm probably going to spend the week looking into grad schools, internships, applying for my last year of undergrad loans, and apartment hunting for next year. ill probably end up in new york city at least once during break, and at the mall about a billion times. i hope this week doesn't go by too fast, but at the same time, i'm dying for the semester to be over so i hope it does!

apartment hunting.
 so since rutgers likes to 'randomly' hand out lottery to their students, (aka give the freshmen all the good ones, so theyll be inclined to live on campus) my roommate and i have nowhere to live next semester! we've been apartment hunting. BUT i just got an email saying that I could apply to be an RA in a psychology 'special interest' freshman dorm. i'd get paid and im guaranteed a single room! i dont know what to do because i DO NOT want to ditch my roommate, and i DO NOT want a meal plan for nasty overpriced undercooked food , but at the same time these apartments are NOT what we are hoping for. either waaaayyy to pricey, or are too unsafe of a neighborhood. that's what i get for going to school in new brunz, i guess. here's hoping for an affordable apartment that pops up soon! haha.