so hectic.

i cant believe its been so long since ive written in this
well, everything with school went well, thank Goodness. except for one class, which ill probably retake. the class i worked hardest for. well, i guess in the end, it makes me realize that that subject is not what i love, and should not be studying, hah!

so school ended a while ago, and i've been working and studying aaallllll day long in order to make rent and do well on my GREs! its been so crazy! ive been living on my own and its been unreal. its nice to be home for a while, before things start back up again .

so the past post was just so depressing for me to think about. while im still not so excited, its not a depression anymore, its just fear and anxiety. what happens afterwards? im so afraid hes going to find someone new he wants in florida, or realizes that this type of long distance isnt what he wants. i know he loves me and we have something amazing together. but i cant help but feel this way. hes told me plenty of times, 'i wish i met you a year from now'. and i dont know what to think about that. i dont know if i can handle only seeing him once a month. i dont know how some other girls do or did it. i was spoiled, being 3 hours away from usna. 2/c and 1/cyear were AMAZING. and i really just did not wnt them to end lol. as for now, i guess ill have to take it one step at a time.

i am not excited for commissioning

at all. i get depressed just thinking about it. i feel like the end is looming. and theres nothing i can do about it. i almost feel like he isn't getting leave. even though he is. im so pessimistic about this whole thing. i have tried so desperately to hold onto this and keep it strong for years to come, and keep thinking that it will come eventually. but the fact remains, i dont have that promise. i don't. i have words, ihave feelings. but i dont have that promise. i dont want to get married now. i'm only 20 years old. while some can do it, and i praise them for it, i simply cannot. im one of the youngest out of my circle of people, and it would just be a huge jump for me. i have to take care of myself first before i can take care of my husband. i wouldnt want to be married until i know a deployment is possible - which is after flight school, we still have time. ill be in grad school then and can focus on that as well.  but to be quite honest, i just feel like the time i spend with carlos will just be a tease and will make me even more depressed. its getting harder and harder to say goodbye. and it does not help that almost everyone else is getting married and won't really have to say goodbye anymore (except for obviously deployments and stuff). i can't go on facebook anymore without getting choked up and wondering where my life is going. i see everyones got everything all planned out, and theyve got their promise. they have that stabilitiy that it was all worth it and everything is going to be okay, somehow. i dont have that promise. i dont know whether its all going to be okay.and i probably won't know. im just getting so negative. and i dont like it bc im not this way at all. this isn't who i am, but its consuming me as time gets faster and faster. i can't eat, i dont feel hungry. i dont really feel...anything anymore.

i SHOULD be focusing on MY finals and MY last year of college.