new blog.

i am going to delete this blog very soon and i have already made a new URL. if you would like the new link, please facebook message me or text me  (im really not good with google blogging or anything related to it besides the search engine, haha) ill explain why i changed URLs in my message!

post-everything thoughts.

post summer work at lsc: thank God i won't be back there till the fall!
post commissioning week: i really needed that mini vacation. annapolis is such a beautiful place, and im so grateful that i got to spend commissioning week there with my boy and his family and friends. sunday we went down late at night, and moved his stuff into his new apartment! which is absolutely gorgeous! such a nice area. monday morning we woke up for the last color parade at USNA in the hot hot hot sun. we were supposed to go to luke pye's graduation party afterwards but couldn't make it (sorry luke & keri! ) but afterwards we caught up with them at the supe's reception. the supe is such a boss, his house is so HUGE. and his yard is literally a hollywood style garden! then, carlos's last glee club concert was that same night. theyre such a great group of guys and so talented! i can't believe it's over, he had such a great four years with them. the memorable photo frame they all got will be beautiful hanging up on his wall at home. definitely a good memory of a crazy four years at usna. tuesday, wednesday and thursday was spent being bums, eating good food and partying it up with a lot of his friends who were also graduating! we had a great time doing that, and the occassional other navy events. but one thing i was not so happy about is that the blue angels shows were cancelled! ): oh well, i guess ill see them on my trips to pensacola! friday was the big day! we were all up super early to head to the stadium. the ceremony was long but exciting. i am so proud of my naval flight officer, my ensign, my college graduate! what an amazing accomplishment, at the young age of 21. i feel honored to be there for him. and i loved the fact that one ofhis childhood best friends, who just commissioned out of west point a week prior, commissioned him! so now we have a 2lt and an ensign (: my only complaint about it is that i was excluded from the 'commissioning' itself. his grandmothers, parents, and sisters got to do everything for his pinnings (cover, sword, shoulderboards). i understand they are family, but i was certainly an important part of his getting through the naval academy,and i wish i could have been acknowledged that way. i know its not his fault, but  come on now, just because im not his wife or fiance , doesnt mean that im any less important. *i*was the one who got him through a LOT of his time there... he can't go crawling to his mommy and daddy or grandparents all the time. i was there whenever he needed me. and he does acknowledge that. i just wish it coulda been solidified in that way.... sigh. its ok, because hopefully i will be the one pinning his wings on him soon enough<3. we spent the day with food and friends and family, good times. saturday was the beautiful wedding of sammie and patrick tagan! they looked wonderful, and the wedding was beautiful and lovely. congratulations to the two of them, and best wishes! we sped right up to nj afterwards for carlos' commissioning party! what an even tthat was. lots of fun and dancing and food were had by all (:

the week after was for me, very important. moving into my new house and prepping for the gre and summer classes and my new job at red lobster. carlos went to vegas with his two best friends. i was sort of sad i didnt get to spend that time with him, but im very glad he got his 'hangover' hurrah with his friends! they deserve it. in between that, i spent time at the beach with friends and with his family. monday was the day of judgement- the gre. i loved that my boy was there with me every step of the way.heliterally waited in the waiting room for me to do my test and finish it! he never left my side. i didnt realize how much it kept me calm until now. i love him more than anything,he supports me so much and is definitely encouraging me with my career. thankfully i got a score that i needed and wanted, so im happy.

im kind of scared how my relationship with my boy will change later on, but im hoping by senior year, when hes in florida and im in school, things will be easier. this smmer, he will be home on weekends, thank Goodness. its probably the most ill get to ever se him in the summers,haha. i can't wait for us to begin our lives and careers together one day. but until he pops the question, i gotta do me!

so hectic.

i cant believe its been so long since ive written in this
well, everything with school went well, thank Goodness. except for one class, which ill probably retake. the class i worked hardest for. well, i guess in the end, it makes me realize that that subject is not what i love, and should not be studying, hah!

so school ended a while ago, and i've been working and studying aaallllll day long in order to make rent and do well on my GREs! its been so crazy! ive been living on my own and its been unreal. its nice to be home for a while, before things start back up again .

so the past post was just so depressing for me to think about. while im still not so excited, its not a depression anymore, its just fear and anxiety. what happens afterwards? im so afraid hes going to find someone new he wants in florida, or realizes that this type of long distance isnt what he wants. i know he loves me and we have something amazing together. but i cant help but feel this way. hes told me plenty of times, 'i wish i met you a year from now'. and i dont know what to think about that. i dont know if i can handle only seeing him once a month. i dont know how some other girls do or did it. i was spoiled, being 3 hours away from usna. 2/c and 1/cyear were AMAZING. and i really just did not wnt them to end lol. as for now, i guess ill have to take it one step at a time.

i am not excited for commissioning

at all. i get depressed just thinking about it. i feel like the end is looming. and theres nothing i can do about it. i almost feel like he isn't getting leave. even though he is. im so pessimistic about this whole thing. i have tried so desperately to hold onto this and keep it strong for years to come, and keep thinking that it will come eventually. but the fact remains, i dont have that promise. i don't. i have words, ihave feelings. but i dont have that promise. i dont want to get married now. i'm only 20 years old. while some can do it, and i praise them for it, i simply cannot. im one of the youngest out of my circle of people, and it would just be a huge jump for me. i have to take care of myself first before i can take care of my husband. i wouldnt want to be married until i know a deployment is possible - which is after flight school, we still have time. ill be in grad school then and can focus on that as well.  but to be quite honest, i just feel like the time i spend with carlos will just be a tease and will make me even more depressed. its getting harder and harder to say goodbye. and it does not help that almost everyone else is getting married and won't really have to say goodbye anymore (except for obviously deployments and stuff). i can't go on facebook anymore without getting choked up and wondering where my life is going. i see everyones got everything all planned out, and theyve got their promise. they have that stabilitiy that it was all worth it and everything is going to be okay, somehow. i dont have that promise. i dont know whether its all going to be okay.and i probably won't know. im just getting so negative. and i dont like it bc im not this way at all. this isn't who i am, but its consuming me as time gets faster and faster. i can't eat, i dont feel hungry. i dont really feel...anything anymore.

i SHOULD be focusing on MY finals and MY last year of college.

end of april happenings.

housing has been straightened out, thank God. we found this girl who is very similar to what we wanted (social, but not a girl who will turn our house into a party haven, lots of fun but studies when she has to, etc etc) and she's really nice!  we met her mom and sister and everything haa. we're going to sign the lease today and i couldnt be more relieved. now i just need a sublet. lol.

i'm really nervous because i haven't heard back from CTY yet. i would love the chance to work in baltimore this summer, and finally get to see my boy more than for the time i have to give him up ! i think we deserve that. i mean, we're not getting married right after commissioning, so the least i can do is see him, right? haha.

i can't believe the semester will be over in less than 2 weeks! omg! i'm going to be a senior in college! ahh! its funny bc everyone is already graduating this year so it kind of made me ignore my progression in college. but oh my GOD im going into my last year of college! this is so unreal!

so for a while now, i have been really concerned about my body. i dont like how i look, at all. im a lot bigger than i used to be. granted, i was working out 6 days a week for hours at a time, in taekwondo, whether teaching or training or competing. but im used to always being small, and during my late teens, i stopped being that way. ive got a pretty big butt, and wide hips &thighs. which i dont mind, lol. but i do not like my arms anymore and my tummy/sides. i hate it so much. so instead of bitching about it, i've started to do something. i go to the gym every single day! i work out, and i walk a lot more to places rather than take the shuttle buses. i use myfitness pall like its my JOB and count my calories to match 1200 a day. i thought i was doing really well, bc last time i weighed myself (which isnt often) is 145 lbs. this weekend,  iweighed myself and i was 160. i was shocked. appalled. miserable. ready to cry. i was trying on dresses for the croquet match and i was miserable b/c i look so not how i want to. it's really difficult to eat healthy on a college campus b/c of all the JUNK and FATTY foods and foods with a TON of calories in it. i really try to though! and it sucks b/c eating healthier is super expensive! im so broke bc of it! but my sweet and wonderful boyfriend sent me a song, in spanish and told me to listen to it carefully. the song is by prince royce , and called corazon sin cara. i looked up the lyrics (in both english and spanish to try and see how closely they matched lol) and i read them. i was at one of the computer lab on campus, and it took all i had to not start crying right then and there. im posting the spanish lyrics and english ones here :

Corazon Sin Cara

Y ya me contaron
Que te acomplejas de tu imagen
Y mira el espejo
Que linda eres sin maquillaje

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar
Prende una vela, rézale a Dios
Y dale gracias que tenemos ese lindo corazón 

Prende una vela, pide perdón
Y por creer que tu eres fea te dedico esta canción

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Ladies, you already know, Royce - Too strong!

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Nadie es perfecto en el amor
Ay seas blanquita, morenita, no me importa el color

Mirame a mi, mirame bien
Aunque tenga cara de bonito me acomplejo yo tambien

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Sentimiento c'mon

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar
Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Sincerely, Royce

English Translation of Corazon sin Cara
Royce

And they tell me
You're self conscious of your image
And look at the mirror
How pretty you are without makeup

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change
Light a candle, pray to God
And give thanks that we have this complete heart
Light a candle, ask for forgiveness
And for believing that you are ugly I dedicate this song to you

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Ladies, you already know, Royce.... Too strong!

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Nobody is perfect in love
Oh you light-skinned girl, brown-skinned girl, the color doesn't matter to me

Look at me, look at me good
Although I have a handsome face I am also complex

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Feeling c'mon

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end
And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Sincerely, Royce

. so yeah, i read that and broke down. im so lucky to have a best friend in my life who cares about me so much, so unselfishly. he could easily be upset at how what i look like, or be embarrassed to be seen with me. but he's not (as far as i know, anyways haha). he loves me for who i am, and i know he's proud of me for making this change. but because *i* want to, not for anybody else. it makes me so happy to have such an wonderful source of encouragement... i just feel so blessed to have him in my life!

housing stress.

WHY are people so flaky? I am convinced that I need a new set of people to surround myself with, because I think what I expect out of people is too much for the ones I talk to now (in no way am I referencing the navy girls, im talking about most of my friends here at Rutgers)  I'm seriously sick and tired of people who can't keep up with their responsibilities and expect others to do everything for them. if you say you are going to do something STICK TO YOUR WORD AND EFFING DO IT. we are grown ass people, take care of yourself. and NOBODY can tell me that they are 'too busy' for their responsibilities. i am taking SIX classes, working on stuff for my GRE, applying for sumer internships, taking summer classes, grad school applications, trying to figure out my life for AFTER graduation, dealing with family hell problems, bills and expenses, including tuition, this housing BULLSHIT and everything that comes with a commissioning. i am NOT complaining about all my life stresses, because they are nothing to complain about. this is a part of life. these things happen. but what i am upset about is that apparently, other 20someodd year olds cannot handle it. GROW UP, PLEASE. GROW UP. 

so what happened with housing is that our friend who is going to take the single has been flaky this whole time but promised to take the single, and now she is contemplating leaving for a semester or year and backing out or something. we are signing our lease NEXT WEEK, and we owe 2100 bucks with that deposit. she owes 750 of that. i CANNOT afford to give an extra 750 bucks that i dont have for her. its UNREAL. plus we owe rent soon after that. NONE of this would have happened if rutgers had a better housing system, but now we have to take what we can get. it makes me really upset because my roommate and I are responsible people, why isn't she being one? couldnt she tell us a month or two ago she wasnt doing this? to leave us at the LAST MINUTE like this? totally not fair or nice. who does that to a friend? now i am struggling, amongst all my papers and finals and responsbiilities, to find someone to fill this void that we trust, so that we have the extra money for next week and we have some place to live next year. SO STRESSFUL. 

welcome to real life, ladies and gentlemen. ready or not, here it comes.

home stretch.

i had one of the best weekends i've had in a long time. i did not want it to end. at all. i'm thinking about how to phrase this and talk about it, and i realized that the events themselves weren't so great (well, the pitbull concert was pretty awesome, and IBall is out-of-the-ordinary for most people). but every bit of time i spend with my boyfriend just makes me so incredibly happy. even something as simple as going to lunch or a movie, or something not so simple like attending the USNA International Ball 2011. i just love being around him, because nobody makes me smile like he does.

but of course, it never gets easier. leaving,i mean. 'see you laters' are never fun, and bring me to tears just thinking about it. something to get me through, though, is the fact that they are 'see you laters'. NOT goodbyes. NEVER goodbyes.

here's to this week going by fast, but not so fast that i can't get my work done (;

COUNTDOWN TILL THE SEMESTER ENDS:
one more response paper (thank God, i hate them)
one project for finance
one more lab report
one more portfolio
one more finance exam
one more MVT assignment
one more adolescent exam
one more physio exam
one more ed psych exam

leggooooooo