end of april happenings.

housing has been straightened out, thank God. we found this girl who is very similar to what we wanted (social, but not a girl who will turn our house into a party haven, lots of fun but studies when she has to, etc etc) and she's really nice!  we met her mom and sister and everything haa. we're going to sign the lease today and i couldnt be more relieved. now i just need a sublet. lol.

i'm really nervous because i haven't heard back from CTY yet. i would love the chance to work in baltimore this summer, and finally get to see my boy more than for the time i have to give him up ! i think we deserve that. i mean, we're not getting married right after commissioning, so the least i can do is see him, right? haha.

i can't believe the semester will be over in less than 2 weeks! omg! i'm going to be a senior in college! ahh! its funny bc everyone is already graduating this year so it kind of made me ignore my progression in college. but oh my GOD im going into my last year of college! this is so unreal!

so for a while now, i have been really concerned about my body. i dont like how i look, at all. im a lot bigger than i used to be. granted, i was working out 6 days a week for hours at a time, in taekwondo, whether teaching or training or competing. but im used to always being small, and during my late teens, i stopped being that way. ive got a pretty big butt, and wide hips &thighs. which i dont mind, lol. but i do not like my arms anymore and my tummy/sides. i hate it so much. so instead of bitching about it, i've started to do something. i go to the gym every single day! i work out, and i walk a lot more to places rather than take the shuttle buses. i use myfitness pall like its my JOB and count my calories to match 1200 a day. i thought i was doing really well, bc last time i weighed myself (which isnt often) is 145 lbs. this weekend,  iweighed myself and i was 160. i was shocked. appalled. miserable. ready to cry. i was trying on dresses for the croquet match and i was miserable b/c i look so not how i want to. it's really difficult to eat healthy on a college campus b/c of all the JUNK and FATTY foods and foods with a TON of calories in it. i really try to though! and it sucks b/c eating healthier is super expensive! im so broke bc of it! but my sweet and wonderful boyfriend sent me a song, in spanish and told me to listen to it carefully. the song is by prince royce , and called corazon sin cara. i looked up the lyrics (in both english and spanish to try and see how closely they matched lol) and i read them. i was at one of the computer lab on campus, and it took all i had to not start crying right then and there. im posting the spanish lyrics and english ones here :

Corazon Sin Cara

Y ya me contaron
Que te acomplejas de tu imagen
Y mira el espejo
Que linda eres sin maquillaje

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar
Prende una vela, rézale a Dios
Y dale gracias que tenemos ese lindo corazón 

Prende una vela, pide perdón
Y por creer que tu eres fea te dedico esta canción

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Ladies, you already know, Royce - Too strong!

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Nadie es perfecto en el amor
Ay seas blanquita, morenita, no me importa el color

Mirame a mi, mirame bien
Aunque tenga cara de bonito me acomplejo yo tambien

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Sentimiento c'mon

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar
Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Sincerely, Royce

English Translation of Corazon sin Cara
Royce

And they tell me
You're self conscious of your image
And look at the mirror
How pretty you are without makeup

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change
Light a candle, pray to God
And give thanks that we have this complete heart
Light a candle, ask for forgiveness
And for believing that you are ugly I dedicate this song to you

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Ladies, you already know, Royce.... Too strong!

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Nobody is perfect in love
Oh you light-skinned girl, brown-skinned girl, the color doesn't matter to me

Look at me, look at me good
Although I have a handsome face I am also complex

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Feeling c'mon

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end
And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Sincerely, Royce

. so yeah, i read that and broke down. im so lucky to have a best friend in my life who cares about me so much, so unselfishly. he could easily be upset at how what i look like, or be embarrassed to be seen with me. but he's not (as far as i know, anyways haha). he loves me for who i am, and i know he's proud of me for making this change. but because *i* want to, not for anybody else. it makes me so happy to have such an wonderful source of encouragement... i just feel so blessed to have him in my life!