i am not excited for commissioning

at all. i get depressed just thinking about it. i feel like the end is looming. and theres nothing i can do about it. i almost feel like he isn't getting leave. even though he is. im so pessimistic about this whole thing. i have tried so desperately to hold onto this and keep it strong for years to come, and keep thinking that it will come eventually. but the fact remains, i dont have that promise. i don't. i have words, ihave feelings. but i dont have that promise. i dont want to get married now. i'm only 20 years old. while some can do it, and i praise them for it, i simply cannot. im one of the youngest out of my circle of people, and it would just be a huge jump for me. i have to take care of myself first before i can take care of my husband. i wouldnt want to be married until i know a deployment is possible - which is after flight school, we still have time. ill be in grad school then and can focus on that as well.  but to be quite honest, i just feel like the time i spend with carlos will just be a tease and will make me even more depressed. its getting harder and harder to say goodbye. and it does not help that almost everyone else is getting married and won't really have to say goodbye anymore (except for obviously deployments and stuff). i can't go on facebook anymore without getting choked up and wondering where my life is going. i see everyones got everything all planned out, and theyve got their promise. they have that stabilitiy that it was all worth it and everything is going to be okay, somehow. i dont have that promise. i dont know whether its all going to be okay.and i probably won't know. im just getting so negative. and i dont like it bc im not this way at all. this isn't who i am, but its consuming me as time gets faster and faster. i can't eat, i dont feel hungry. i dont really feel...anything anymore.

i SHOULD be focusing on MY finals and MY last year of college.