chaos.

so spring break started on friday, and i gotta say it started off ridiculously

so i did fieldwork for 4 weeks at an elementary school in a 3rd grade classroom, and this last day was HECTIC. CHAOTIC. REALLY REALLY REALLY CRAZY.  the kids were yelling and out of their seats and just uncontrollable. i do miss them though, and they are goodhearted little kids. i definitely want to visit them soon :)

friday was actually really nice at home, i had a great time. saturday was just .... not okay. really not okay. i just hope this divorce goes through quickly.

long story short, im back at rutgers. my sister stayed with me this weekend, and my mom came early this morning and stayed for the day. im really really grateful for that. i miss them so much, and i wish i could go back home with them.

tomorrow i'm going to get my taxes done and get work finished as well. tuesday i'm going down to tcnj and wednesday to the city. still wanna take a mini trip somewhere for the weekend....

i need something to keep my mind off of this. i wish more than anything in the world i was in orlando and puerto rico with my boy. more than anything. i hate not being able to afford things. i hate that the navy spends so much money on the midshipmen for useless things and invests so much money into them. i know theyre doing something very noble for the country and the world and for us, but quite honestly, a lot of them don't deserve it, and because of it, their egos explode. i want more than anything to be able to afford things like it seems that everyone else can.

why did God choose me for this kind of life? why did my family have to be so fucked up? why did my family have to have all this trouble? why couldnt i grow up in a house where my parents love each other and be happy together? why can't we go on vacations and family things like we used to? now its a struggle to get groceries in our house. i have no savings, no stability whatsoever from my family. i am so afraid for my future its scary. nothing terrifies me more than the idea of what happens to me. why can everyone else go away on vacations and enjoy their life? why am i always so miserable and afraid of my life? i have no idea what to do. all i want is to be normal and happy like everyone else.