so hectic.

i cant believe its been so long since ive written in this
well, everything with school went well, thank Goodness. except for one class, which ill probably retake. the class i worked hardest for. well, i guess in the end, it makes me realize that that subject is not what i love, and should not be studying, hah!

so school ended a while ago, and i've been working and studying aaallllll day long in order to make rent and do well on my GREs! its been so crazy! ive been living on my own and its been unreal. its nice to be home for a while, before things start back up again .

so the past post was just so depressing for me to think about. while im still not so excited, its not a depression anymore, its just fear and anxiety. what happens afterwards? im so afraid hes going to find someone new he wants in florida, or realizes that this type of long distance isnt what he wants. i know he loves me and we have something amazing together. but i cant help but feel this way. hes told me plenty of times, 'i wish i met you a year from now'. and i dont know what to think about that. i dont know if i can handle only seeing him once a month. i dont know how some other girls do or did it. i was spoiled, being 3 hours away from usna. 2/c and 1/cyear were AMAZING. and i really just did not wnt them to end lol. as for now, i guess ill have to take it one step at a time.

i am not excited for commissioning

at all. i get depressed just thinking about it. i feel like the end is looming. and theres nothing i can do about it. i almost feel like he isn't getting leave. even though he is. im so pessimistic about this whole thing. i have tried so desperately to hold onto this and keep it strong for years to come, and keep thinking that it will come eventually. but the fact remains, i dont have that promise. i don't. i have words, ihave feelings. but i dont have that promise. i dont want to get married now. i'm only 20 years old. while some can do it, and i praise them for it, i simply cannot. im one of the youngest out of my circle of people, and it would just be a huge jump for me. i have to take care of myself first before i can take care of my husband. i wouldnt want to be married until i know a deployment is possible - which is after flight school, we still have time. ill be in grad school then and can focus on that as well.  but to be quite honest, i just feel like the time i spend with carlos will just be a tease and will make me even more depressed. its getting harder and harder to say goodbye. and it does not help that almost everyone else is getting married and won't really have to say goodbye anymore (except for obviously deployments and stuff). i can't go on facebook anymore without getting choked up and wondering where my life is going. i see everyones got everything all planned out, and theyve got their promise. they have that stabilitiy that it was all worth it and everything is going to be okay, somehow. i dont have that promise. i dont know whether its all going to be okay.and i probably won't know. im just getting so negative. and i dont like it bc im not this way at all. this isn't who i am, but its consuming me as time gets faster and faster. i can't eat, i dont feel hungry. i dont really feel...anything anymore.

i SHOULD be focusing on MY finals and MY last year of college.

end of april happenings.

housing has been straightened out, thank God. we found this girl who is very similar to what we wanted (social, but not a girl who will turn our house into a party haven, lots of fun but studies when she has to, etc etc) and she's really nice!  we met her mom and sister and everything haa. we're going to sign the lease today and i couldnt be more relieved. now i just need a sublet. lol.

i'm really nervous because i haven't heard back from CTY yet. i would love the chance to work in baltimore this summer, and finally get to see my boy more than for the time i have to give him up ! i think we deserve that. i mean, we're not getting married right after commissioning, so the least i can do is see him, right? haha.

i can't believe the semester will be over in less than 2 weeks! omg! i'm going to be a senior in college! ahh! its funny bc everyone is already graduating this year so it kind of made me ignore my progression in college. but oh my GOD im going into my last year of college! this is so unreal!

so for a while now, i have been really concerned about my body. i dont like how i look, at all. im a lot bigger than i used to be. granted, i was working out 6 days a week for hours at a time, in taekwondo, whether teaching or training or competing. but im used to always being small, and during my late teens, i stopped being that way. ive got a pretty big butt, and wide hips &thighs. which i dont mind, lol. but i do not like my arms anymore and my tummy/sides. i hate it so much. so instead of bitching about it, i've started to do something. i go to the gym every single day! i work out, and i walk a lot more to places rather than take the shuttle buses. i use myfitness pall like its my JOB and count my calories to match 1200 a day. i thought i was doing really well, bc last time i weighed myself (which isnt often) is 145 lbs. this weekend,  iweighed myself and i was 160. i was shocked. appalled. miserable. ready to cry. i was trying on dresses for the croquet match and i was miserable b/c i look so not how i want to. it's really difficult to eat healthy on a college campus b/c of all the JUNK and FATTY foods and foods with a TON of calories in it. i really try to though! and it sucks b/c eating healthier is super expensive! im so broke bc of it! but my sweet and wonderful boyfriend sent me a song, in spanish and told me to listen to it carefully. the song is by prince royce , and called corazon sin cara. i looked up the lyrics (in both english and spanish to try and see how closely they matched lol) and i read them. i was at one of the computer lab on campus, and it took all i had to not start crying right then and there. im posting the spanish lyrics and english ones here :

Corazon Sin Cara

Y ya me contaron
Que te acomplejas de tu imagen
Y mira el espejo
Que linda eres sin maquillaje

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar
Prende una vela, rézale a Dios
Y dale gracias que tenemos ese lindo corazón 

Prende una vela, pide perdón
Y por creer que tu eres fea te dedico esta canción

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Y tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que te quiero así

Ladies, you already know, Royce - Too strong!

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Nadie es perfecto en el amor
Ay seas blanquita, morenita, no me importa el color

Mirame a mi, mirame bien
Aunque tenga cara de bonito me acomplejo yo tambien

Y si eres gorda o flaca
Todo eso no me importa a mí
Tampoco soy perfecto
Sólo sé que yo te quiero así

Sentimiento c'mon

Y el corazón no tiene cara
Y te prometo que lo nuestro
Nunca va a terminar
Y el amor vive en el alma
Ni con deseos sabes que nada de ti va a cambiar

Sincerely, Royce

English Translation of Corazon sin Cara
Royce

And they tell me
You're self conscious of your image
And look at the mirror
How pretty you are without makeup

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change
Light a candle, pray to God
And give thanks that we have this complete heart
Light a candle, ask for forgiveness
And for believing that you are ugly I dedicate this song to you

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Ladies, you already know, Royce.... Too strong!

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Nobody is perfect in love
Oh you light-skinned girl, brown-skinned girl, the color doesn't matter to me

Look at me, look at me good
Although I have a handsome face I am also complex

And if you're fat or thin
None of this matters to me
And nor am I perfect
I only know that I want you like this

Feeling c'mon

And the heart has no face
And I promise you that our thing
Is never going to end
And love lives in the soul
Nor with my desire you know that nothing of you is going to change

Sincerely, Royce

. so yeah, i read that and broke down. im so lucky to have a best friend in my life who cares about me so much, so unselfishly. he could easily be upset at how what i look like, or be embarrassed to be seen with me. but he's not (as far as i know, anyways haha). he loves me for who i am, and i know he's proud of me for making this change. but because *i* want to, not for anybody else. it makes me so happy to have such an wonderful source of encouragement... i just feel so blessed to have him in my life!

housing stress.

WHY are people so flaky? I am convinced that I need a new set of people to surround myself with, because I think what I expect out of people is too much for the ones I talk to now (in no way am I referencing the navy girls, im talking about most of my friends here at Rutgers)  I'm seriously sick and tired of people who can't keep up with their responsibilities and expect others to do everything for them. if you say you are going to do something STICK TO YOUR WORD AND EFFING DO IT. we are grown ass people, take care of yourself. and NOBODY can tell me that they are 'too busy' for their responsibilities. i am taking SIX classes, working on stuff for my GRE, applying for sumer internships, taking summer classes, grad school applications, trying to figure out my life for AFTER graduation, dealing with family hell problems, bills and expenses, including tuition, this housing BULLSHIT and everything that comes with a commissioning. i am NOT complaining about all my life stresses, because they are nothing to complain about. this is a part of life. these things happen. but what i am upset about is that apparently, other 20someodd year olds cannot handle it. GROW UP, PLEASE. GROW UP. 

so what happened with housing is that our friend who is going to take the single has been flaky this whole time but promised to take the single, and now she is contemplating leaving for a semester or year and backing out or something. we are signing our lease NEXT WEEK, and we owe 2100 bucks with that deposit. she owes 750 of that. i CANNOT afford to give an extra 750 bucks that i dont have for her. its UNREAL. plus we owe rent soon after that. NONE of this would have happened if rutgers had a better housing system, but now we have to take what we can get. it makes me really upset because my roommate and I are responsible people, why isn't she being one? couldnt she tell us a month or two ago she wasnt doing this? to leave us at the LAST MINUTE like this? totally not fair or nice. who does that to a friend? now i am struggling, amongst all my papers and finals and responsbiilities, to find someone to fill this void that we trust, so that we have the extra money for next week and we have some place to live next year. SO STRESSFUL. 

welcome to real life, ladies and gentlemen. ready or not, here it comes.

home stretch.

i had one of the best weekends i've had in a long time. i did not want it to end. at all. i'm thinking about how to phrase this and talk about it, and i realized that the events themselves weren't so great (well, the pitbull concert was pretty awesome, and IBall is out-of-the-ordinary for most people). but every bit of time i spend with my boyfriend just makes me so incredibly happy. even something as simple as going to lunch or a movie, or something not so simple like attending the USNA International Ball 2011. i just love being around him, because nobody makes me smile like he does.

but of course, it never gets easier. leaving,i mean. 'see you laters' are never fun, and bring me to tears just thinking about it. something to get me through, though, is the fact that they are 'see you laters'. NOT goodbyes. NEVER goodbyes.

here's to this week going by fast, but not so fast that i can't get my work done (;

COUNTDOWN TILL THE SEMESTER ENDS:
one more response paper (thank God, i hate them)
one project for finance
one more lab report
one more portfolio
one more finance exam
one more MVT assignment
one more adolescent exam
one more physio exam
one more ed psych exam

leggooooooo

this one goes out to the silent ranks.

i almost forgot i had a blog. that can't be good.

i want to apologize for not updating this like i should (like you all care, haha) and for not religiously following blogs ilke i should be haha. once i start procrastinating again, i will certainly follow and comment (:

well, things are looking good here on my end. i should be , of course, writing a paper, but im at starbucks obviously not. haha.

i tried catching up on some blogs i've been reading lately, and i dont know who is reading this BUT i want to give a huge shout out to my navy girlfriend family. yes, i consider ladies i have not met (some i have, but most i have not) family. you know why? because, sometimes, these are the only people who know what i'm going through. why i do the crazy shit i do. why i will take two trains, a bus, a metro and another bus to get to annapolis to visit my midshipman when i have no car on campus. why my heart swells with pride and why i get goosebumps everytime i hear the national anthem. why, at 20 years old, i'm dying to be engaged and am getting sadder by the day as commissioning gets closer. why i cry every night before i go to bed, because commissioning day is looming over us. they understand. they accept. they don't judge. they know the emotional wreck that we can all be. we all may have started talking (or met) for one reason, but we are friends for many more. i draw inspiration from the navy wives and fiances and girlfriends and how we remain so strong even in the toughest of times. i admire the women who have stayed for years, no matter what happened. i admire the ones who have gone through plebe summer, plebe year, live across the country, gone through 6 week trainings underway or on a boat with no communication. i admire the ones going to grad school while their men are at school or deploying. these women have been there for me and everyone else like we've been friends forever. they are selfless and amazing, and  i only hope that i can stay as strong as all of you. thank you all for being there for me. no matter what. even if you dont know how you have been. knowing that i am a part of this family makes me feel so much better.

 i've gone through a lot of struggles with my friends here at home, and i realize that i am almost nothing like them. the minute i became a navy girlfriend, my life drastically changed paths from all of theirs. and they dont know what its like, or understand, and probably dont even care all that much. they dont know ANYTHING about the military.. they only see that my boy comes home every weekend, as a firstie. they only see that i go down for military balls and football games. they think its a regular college. they have no idea the fear that i am feeling for the minute his shoulderboards and cover changes and he becomes, Ensign Carlos A. Plazas, USN. and he has to leave. and hardly ever come back. and knowing that i am not going with him. my biggest fear is that i will not be his next of kin when he deploys. that i will not know when he is coming home, if any plans change, or if God forbid, something unexpected and bad happens. two weeks ago's episode of army wives was my worst fear on television and i cried for hours after that episode.

i cant even continue writing because im at a starbucks in a barnes and nobles, and im going to start bawling hysterically if i do continue.

but thank you, to my navy family. i love you all
 

meh.

i can't believe april is already here! it's already been somewhat eventful

- april fools day, i shattered my phone screen. but it still works, thankfully. carlos now calls it the droid s (hattered) instead of the droid 2. 

- hell weeks are in progress, and i've only got a 2 small papers, a not-so-huge portfolio left, another paper, 4 finals and a midterm left for the school year!

- i gotta start my GRE shit.... oh man.

trying to find housing has been UNREAL. i can't believe rutgers is so cold when it comes to housing its upperclass. im gonna be a senior, why do they automatically just assume we all move off campus ? basically my lottery number for the housing problem is awful, and so is my roommates. shes gonna be a super senior next year, and staying to finish her 2nd major. naturally, neither of us want to go from living in suites and an apartment to a double in a freshman dorm. NO THANKS! so trying to find a somewht decent place on campus that's not overly priced, run down, or ugly or in shady area is turning out to be pretty difficult. or maybe i just dont know any reliable people that can make this process easier. plus paying for this outta pocket will be hard. 

oh welll. im still really loooking forward to whats happening in the near future. cross my fingers it all works out. and that my mom gets over her bitchiness about it all.... seriously.